I'm a teacher. Well, I'm actually a library media specialist (aka-librarian) and have been for four years now, but I am still a teacher. I have been in education for 16 (what?!) years now, and that makes me a "veteran." In fact, by the time I had been teaching five years I was: tenured, on a professional development committee, running new teacher orientation, helping create an entire new program for our high school, AND regularly taking on student teachers. Basically? I was considered an expert. To be honest, at this point, I would actually consider myself that as well. I enjoy when new teachers look to me for help. I love that my principal comes to me for advice and my superintendent asks me to proofread his documents. I love that I am 98% comfortable in my teacher skin. I love that I know I made mistakes, but mostly I feel like I've done an above average job. I do NOT have a desire to go back to the beginning.
Why is it that parenting is NOTHING like teaching? I mean, both jobs include kids...and teaching...and helping mold kids for the future. Both jobs offer books to assist when you're at a loss...bosses (sometimes in the form of aunts and grandparents) to offer unsolicited advice...and both (hopefully) offer help from "colleagues." Above all, teachers AND moms put their hearts, souls, and lives into these jobs. They SHOULD run basically the same!!! Am I right?!
Unfortunately, no. I am not right. I have been a mom for 10 years. I do this "job" even when I'm at my other job and yet I do not feel like an expert in momhood. I don't even feel like I should be tenured...I should still be able to be fired from this gig! Some days, I downright suck at momming and I just want to grab a time turner and flip that thing like....however many times it would take to go back to age 28 and start again! I don't want to do this because I want to be RID of my kids. Absolutely not. I want to give that time turner a spin so that I can start over. I want to start over with my current knowledge and get this thing RIGHT.
I want to go back knowing that the sleepless nights will end, and I should breath in my babies' precious smells and give them some extra snuggles rather than crying over their still not sleeping, wriggling little bodies.
I want to go back knowing that I will blink and they will be almost 9 and almost 11 and I won't have another chance to play with those dolls or roll around in the grass and I should do all of those toddler/little kid things MORE and more, and clean and stress LESS and less.
I want to go back knowing that the way I speak WILL ingrain itself into their little psyches and before I know it they will be speaking to me in the same irritated tone I've used with them, and I should pause whatEVER I'm doing and speak back with kindness and patience.
I am a good mom. I know this (usually). I am not a perfect mom, but no one is. I have done some things that I should want to go back and do EXACTLY THE SAME, but I can never think of what those are because my brain is filled with the things I've missed focusing on all the wrong things! Why with teaching do I see my mistakes and think "eh, those weren't so bad because the rest was so good" but with parenting it's the opposite?? I need to give myself more credit! My kids are amazing, and my husband works so hard with me to be the best we can be, and people told me from day 1 that time flies so enjoy it all. I am a "veteran" mom. I deserve tenure. I am nearly an expert! New moms ask my advice, and I willingly give it like I know what I'm doing (sometimes even when they don't ask)! I should look back and admire the hard work that has been put in and just cherish where we are right now. But I still sometimes find myself silently screaming...
Hermione, where's that time turner????
